he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
