I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
