I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
