Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Plan B is the new Plan A
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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