Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
