I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
