Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
