he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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