I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
