The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize