i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
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