There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
