i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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