he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
