Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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