Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
