Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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