Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
