I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
