I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
