i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
