I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
