i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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