my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
