The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
