Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
