my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
