Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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