I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
