with your own penis?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
