Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
