I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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