Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
