he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize