Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize