so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
