The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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