i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
