I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
