i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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