I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
