I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
