I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
