Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
