Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
