Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
