I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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