guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
