My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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