I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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