sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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