I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
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