For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
