FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
