I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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