this beer tastes like vomit already
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
