don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the day after is always just damage control
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
