i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
