Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
