I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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