there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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