I want to have your abortion
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
