A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
where does the pee come out of this thing
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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