HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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