you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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