So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
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