he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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