I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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