When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
