I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
