My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
