Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
