they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
