No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
