At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
