I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's rum buckets o'clock
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
